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Cover Page: 1 Dedication Page: 5 Introduction: Yes, You Are Normal Page: 6 The True Story of Sex Page: 6 The Organization of This Book Page: 7 A Couple of Caveats Page: 8 If You Feel Broken, or Know Someone Who Does Page: 8 Part 1: The (Not-So-Basic) Basics Page: 10 1. Anatomy: No Two Alike Page: 11 The Beginning Page: 11 The Clit, the Whole Clit, and Nothing but the Clit Page: 13 Meet Your Clitoris Page: 16 Lips, Both Great and Small Page: 16 Hymen Truths Page: 18 A Word on Words Page: 18 The Sticky Bits Page: 18 Intersex Parts Page: 19 Why It Matters Page: 20 Change How You See Page: 21 A Better Metaphor Page: 21 What It Is, Not What It Means Page: 22 2. The Dual Control Model: Your Sexual Personality Page: 23 Turn On the Ons, Turn Off the Offs Page: 24 Arousability Page: 26 What “Medium” Means Page: 28 Different for Girls . . . but Not Necessarily Page: 28 What Turns You On? Page: 29 All the Same Parts, Organized in Different Ways Page: 30 Can You Change Your SIS or SES? Page: 30 3. Context: And the “One Ring” (to Rule Them All) in Your Emotional Brain Page: 33 Sensation in Context Page: 35 Sex, Rats, and Rock ’n’ Roll Page: 36 Your Emotional One Ring Page: 37 You Can’t Make Them Page: 39 “Is Something Wrong with Me?” (Answer: Nope) Page: 40 Part 2: Sex in Context Page: 43 4. Emotional Context: Sex in a Monkey Brain Page: 44 The Stress Response Cycle: Fight, Flight, and Freeze Page: 44 Stress and Sex Page: 45 Broken Culture Broken Stress Response Cycles Page: 46 Complete the Cycle! Page: 47 When Sex Becomes the Lion Page: 48 Sex and the Survivor Page: 49 Origin of Love Page: 50 The Science of Falling in Love Page: 51 Attachment and Sex: The Dark Side Page: 51 Attachment and Sex: Sex That Advances the Plot Page: 52 Attachment Style Page: 53 Managing Attachment: Your Feels as a Sleepy Hedgehog Page: 54 Survival of the Social Page: 55 The Water of Life Page: 55 5. Cultural Context: A Sex-Positive Life in a Sex-Negative World Page: 58 Three Messages Page: 59 You Are Beautiful Page: 61 Criticizing Yourself = Stress = Reduced Sexual Pleasure Page: 61 Health at Every Size Page: 62 “Dirty” Page: 63 When Somebody “Yucks” Your “Yum” Page: 65 Maximizing Yum . . . with Science! Part 1: Self-Compassion Page: 66 Maximizing Yum . . . with Science! Part 2: Cognitive Dissonance Page: 67 Maximizing Yum . . . with Science! Part 3: Media Nutrition Page: 67 You Do You Page: 68 Part 3: Sex in Action Page: 70 6. Arousal: Lubrication Is Not Causation Page: 71 Measuring and Defining Nonconcordance Page: 71 All the Same Parts, Organized in Different Ways: “This Is a Restaurant” Page: 73 Nonconcordance in Other Emotions Page: 74 Lubrication Error #1: Genital Response = “Turned On” Page: 75 Lubrication Error #2: Genital Response Is Enjoying Page: 76 Lubrication Error #3: Nonconcordance Is a Problem Page: 78 Medicating Away the Brakes Page: 79 “Honey . . . I’m Nonconcordant!” Page: 80 Ripe Fruit Page: 81 7. Desire: Actually, It’s Not a Drive Page: 83 Desire = Arousal in Context Page: 84 Not a Drive. For Real. Page: 85 Why It Matters That It’s Not a Drive Page: 85 “But Emily, Sometimes It Feels Like a Drive!” Page: 86 Impatient Little Monitors Page: 87 Good News! It’s Probably Not Your Hormones Page: 88 More Good News! It’s Not Monogamy, Either Page: 88 “Isn’t It Just Culture?” Page: 89 It Might Be the Chasing Dynamic Page: 90 Maximizing Desire . . . with Science! Part 1: Arousing the One Ring Page: 90 Maximizing Desire . . . with Science! Part 2: Turning Off the Offs Page: 91 Maximizing Desire . . . with Science! Part 3: Desperate Measures Page: 92 Sharing Your Garden Page: 94 Part 4: Ecstasy For Everybody Page: 96 8. Orgasm: The Fantastic Bonus Page: 97 Nonconcordance—Now with Orgasms! Page: 98 No Two Alike Page: 98 All the Same Parts . . . Page: 98 Your Vagina’s Okay, Either Way Page: 99 The Evolution of the Fantastic Bonus Page: 100 Difficulty with Orgasm Page: 101 Ecstatic Orgasm: You’re a Flock! Page: 102 How Do You Medicate a Flock? Page: 104 Flying Toward Ecstasy Page: 104 9. Meta-Emotions: The Ultimate Sex-Positive Context Page: 107 Can’t Get No . . . Page: 108 The Map and the Terrain Page: 109 Positive Meta-Emotions Step 1: Trust the Terrain Page: 110 Positive Meta-Emotions Step 2: Let Go of the Map (the Hard Part) Page: 111 How to Let Go: Nonjudging Page: 112 Nonjudging = “Emotion Coaching” Page: 112 Nonjudging: Tips for Beginners Page: 113 “No Good Reason” Page: 114 Healing Trauma with Nonjudging Page: 114 When Partners Dismiss! Page: 115 Influencing the Little Monitor Part 1: Changing Your Criterion Velocity Page: 115 Influencing the Little Monitor Part 2: Changing the Kind of Effort Page: 116 Influencing the Little Monitor Part 3: Changing the Goal Page: 117 “To Feel Normal” Page: 117 “This Is It” Page: 118 Conclusion: You Are the Secret Ingredient Page: 120 Why I Wrote This Book Page: 120 Where to Look for More Answers Page: 120 Acknowledgments Page: 121 Appendix 1: Therapeutic Masturbation Page: 122 Appendix 2: Extended Orgasm Page: 123 About the Author Page: 125 Notes Page: 136 References Page: 127 Index Page: 144 Copyright Page: 149
Description:
An essential exploration of why and how women’s sexuality works—based on groundbreaking research and brain science—that will radically transform your sex life into one filled with confidence and joy. Researchers have spent the last decade trying to develop a “pink pill” for women to function like Viagra does for men. So where is it? Well, for reasons this book makes crystal clear, that pill will never be the answer—but as a result of the research that’s gone into it, scientists in the last few years have learned more about how women’s sexuality works than we ever thought possible, and Come as You Are explains it all. The first lesson in this essential, transformative book by Dr. Emily Nagoski is that every woman has her own unique sexuality, like a fingerprint, and that women vary more than men in our anatomy, our sexual response mechanisms, and the way our bodies respond to the sexual world. So we never need to judge ourselves based on others’ experiences. Because women vary, and that’s normal. Second lesson: sex happens in a context. And all the complications of everyday life influence the context surrounding a woman’s arousal, desire, and orgasm. Cutting-edge research across multiple disciplines tells us that the most important factor for women in creating and sustaining a fulfilling sex life, is not what you do in bed or how you do it, but how you feel about it. Which means that stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman’s sexual wellbeing; they are central to it. Once you understand these factors, and how to influence them, you can create for yourself better sex and more profound pleasure than you ever thought possible. And Emily Nagoski can prove it.